The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
