Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
