when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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