i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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