Betty ford says i'm here all night
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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