I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
