When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
