I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
