Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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