I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
