Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
