I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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