If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
