and you said cock pushups were impossible
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
