First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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