i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
