A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
that may or may not have been my penis.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
