I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
