Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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