i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize