No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
