That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
