I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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