Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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