I'm gonna have a badass scar
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
