I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
