You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
