I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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