I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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