Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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