allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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