I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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