I wish I only lived at night.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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