I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
