I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
