I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
