My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
