The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Blood and glitter go together right?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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