you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
