I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
