I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
