NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
