All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
