Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
