She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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