But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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