Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
