remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
