I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
you never un-have a 4some
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize