ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
