her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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