Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
