he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
