Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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