if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
