just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
