Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
