Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
