i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
