I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i think i scared a bird with my dick
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
