I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think your dad took our porno
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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