Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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