Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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