What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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